Trump Vows Retaliation if Moore Loses

    Republican Roy Moore on multiple occasions denied the accusations of child molestation to the press and public. Yet stories continue to arise. Just to update, there have been five more accusations reported since the morning of December 10th. One account of him claims he molested the family dog on multiple occasions during his weekly visits to Dairy Queen. 

    President Donald Trump was in Florida over the weekend supporting his friend Roy Moore in hopes to help boost his profile right before the voting begins. "I think when I come down to this hell hole and do things bigly, people will vote for this fucking guy. There is absolutely no proof that any of this nonsense happened. After 30 plus years all should be forgiven anyway. Ask my housekeeper." said President Trump when asked about the controversy surrounding the race.

    The President is completely against any Democrat getting this seat in the Senate. Trump stated that he believes that Democrat Doug Jones wants to, "ruin everything by giving handouts to lazy poor people", "give health insurance to people who probably deserve to just die" and "help Elon Musk get to Mars before me."

    When this journalist asked the President about what he would do if it were proven that Roy Moore did these horrible things and the result is that Doug Jones wins, Trump responded, "I know Roy didn't do this okay? What happened to innocent until proven guilty? Look, let me tell you something... If that left-wing, lily liver, basket case Doug Jones wins this thing, I'm going to hire a couple of big queer goons to molest him. Thank you."

Bum Rich After Buying Bitcoin

    It was February 2nd in the year 2013 when Alfred Aswego bought his one and only Bitcoin for $19.97. At the time of this transaction, Mr. Aswego is what the Los Angeles community would call,"a worthless, street lurking bum". Who got the last laugh though? We caught up with Mr. Aswego who has recently booked 6 months of nights at the Compton, CA Motel 6.

    "I mean hell, who knew that this thing would be worth 8,000 dollars one day. I forgot I even had it, some fuckin' nerd down at Cal Tech sold it to me and when he told me how much it fuckin' was I said, FUCK, 1997 was the year I had sex with my best friends girlfriend! It's got to be a sign! So fuck I fuckin' bought the fuckin' thing."

    Room 13 of Compton's Motel 6 smells of rotting pork, cheeseburgers, warm beer, stale tamales and underarm sweat. There are stained underwear hanging from the lampshade, what looks like a blood stain in the middle of the carpet and boxes of Churches Fried Chicken laid about like decoration. The Andy Griffith show is playing at an unbearably loud volume and Mr. Aswego is laying in his underwear picking his belly button while cleaning between his teeth with a small chicken bone. His sleep apnea keeps him up most nights, but that's nothing a little Schlitz Malt Liquor can't take care of!

    "I'm like a fuckin' free man again! I mean fuck I was fuckin' free out on Skid Row, but this is the life. I'm rich you know what I mean? Those fuckin' nerds know what they are doing with that bullshit! Hey do you know an escort service around here?"

    When asked if he'd buy Bitcoin again, Alfred Aswego mentioned that only a fool would buy fake money at the current price.

Nicolas Cage Claims He Was Sexual Assaulted

The year was 1997 and Nicolas Cage played mad man Castor Troy in the blockbuster SMASH, "Face/Off." But it wasn't all good off the set. Mr. Cage shared a dark secret with our crew during the CMAs last week.

Nicolas Cage claimed that during the final shooting of the movie while he was playing John Travolta's character, he may have sexually assaulted himself. "It was a confusing time, I was already rich as all hell, but I thought maybe I could take it a bit further. I cornered myself in the production bathroom and fingered myself."

This revelation has hit his family the hardest. His wife is threatening to press charges on him for what she calls, "A theft of my husband's innocence and cunning." 

Many actors and actresses teamed up outside of Rosco's Chicken and Waffle late last night and held a rally in support of Cage. Cage's long time best friend Fred Savage said that he also suffered a similar incident on the set of 'Wonder Years' during the early recordings. When asked why Mr. Savage doesn't report this to the authorities he stated, "I want to big names to finish their reporting first, so that I can receive more publicity."

Bannon FIRED

    On the morning of August 18th 2017, President Donald Trump walked into the Garden Room (brought you by Lowe's) and discovered that a man by the name of Steve Bannon had been living there since January 20th.

    "To say the least, I was completely shocked, to say the most, how does a man stay so fat living in a garden room?" Commented Trump after being questioned about his decision to fire the garden dwelling Bannon from his Cabinet position. Initial reports from White House leaker, Steve Bannon, was that Bannon was fired because he was thought to be so smart that he couldn't be contained. "Smarter than that Einstein guy!" quoted the leaker Steve Bannon.

    What does this mean for the future of the prominent White House Chief Strategist position? Our very own, Howie Felter caught up with White House groundskeeper Silky Madadore who had a pretty good idea what would become of it. "I think dude will go back to work for that far-right site, or just chill... he's rich anyways, know what I mean?" When ask again about the future of the prominent position of White House Chief Strategist, Silky the groundskeeper coughed up phlegm into a grass stained rag and mumbled, "I gotta stop drinkin'."

    "Like I said, I've never seen that man or hired that man!" Trump re-asserted while being further questioned. "Maybe you should go ask CNN what they think. Maybe they'll say he was my Campaign CEO and I created this position for him. To that I would say, the media runs anything these days. Fake news."

Cryptocurrency Market Seized, 1 Arrested

    It was a cool afternoon in Athens, Greece on the 26th day of July. Vladimir Vinnik was having a latte and vodka with his favorite lady of the night Veronika. He'd made his living selling fake money to people who traded fake money for real money and then used it for fake money again, sort of like if the Alice in Wonderland movie if it never ended. Suddenly, BOOM, the United States FBI breaks up the party! Veronika is pushed off of her prosthetic leg, the baristas were pistol whipped for pseudo resisting, three American tourists had their iPhones smashed for Facebook live-ing and Mr. Vinnik was not able to complete his Amazon order for new Birkenstocks. 

    If you didn't know already, Mr. Vinnik is the CEO of BTC-E.com, a shady cryptocurrency market that has operated out of London's east side for quite some time now. The official document states that he was arrested for hacking Mt. Gox back in 2014. The real reason for his arrest is quite different.

    Secret Service Agent code name, "Magic Fingers" told Pause Bread that, "We honestly were just jealous of the fact that this kid could get so rich off of fake money and I have 3 jobs including this one and I can barely make my wife's Mercedes payments. Shit, is it 11am already? I've got to go! I'm late for 2nd shift over at Dairy Queen!"

    Mr. Vinnik was carted away and put into a 1985 Astro van with neon paneling. After the FBI got a jump for the van from a local shop owner, they drove away to an unknown location. Pause Bread later caught up with the Mayor of Athens, Mr. Degahil Dakalasi, and asked him how can the USA arrest non-US citizens in a country that is obviously not the USA? He responded by slowly bending his head to the left, squinting his eyes and putting his hands up in the air and stating, "I don't know, I don't know."

    Later that afternoon, the site btc-e.com was unreachable and the US Secret Service put out a statement reading, "We have stopped the Mt. Gox hacker and have taken his site. Everyone who has fake money on this site needs to remember that it wasn't actual money. We are going to keep this as evidence for prosecution." Shortly after the statement was put out there were multiple large sell offs of cryptocurrency on random markets.

Trump dubs Medical Mortgage Plan in place of Obamacare

    There are a lot of things in this world that US citizens have to pay for, be it food, entertainment or transportation. It's common knowledge that in United States, there has been a huge debate over healthcare for the past decade at least. In recent years, then President Barrack Obama, passed the Affordable Care Act which was later called "Obamacare" in an effort to show the conservatives that the liberal Democrat still had sway over major domestic US policy.

    The stage was set! Americans polled by Pew National, a politically right leaning fair polling firm, found that 96% of the people polled thought that Obamacare was either, "Too generous to the poor and needy." or "Helped people who need to work more hours like me and Uncle Jed." Americans polled by Granite Falls Research, a far right leaning fair polling firm found that 100% of the people they polled in Russia thought that, "Obamacare does just enough to hurt the average American and that makes me happy, have a great weekend!" Albeit some translation issues in the last poll, it was quite clear what Obamacare represented to most Americans.

    Enter the Medical Mortgage Plan or MMP as it is being called on Capitol Hill. President Trump is proposing that every American born after the year of 1871 will be given the privilege to be forced to buy into a 55 year MMP plan. The cost will be automatically deducted from employer pay at 58% of total and if unemployed, will be taken from unemployment benefits 68% of total. Trump's plan is to help ease the burden of cost by lowering income taxes to 2% across the board.

    "You've got to look out for the people, so the plan is to lower taxes, make healthcare a part of your life like an investment. I invest all the time, I'm worth billions on paper. I have buildings, my name is on them. It says TRUMP really big! Let me tell you one other thing, I know what the little guy in America wants. I've been down and out before, my first car was a BMW 325i and it wasn't even a showroom floor model, I KNOW HOW AMERICANS FEEL. We have to do this BIGLY!" said President Trump when asked for comment on his new plan.

-Sharon Peters, Newly Promoted Double Senior Correspondent

ISIS Losing Foothold In Syria

    Raqqa, Syria, the scene is set. Dirt roads, shell casings littering the dirt road, business signs shot out, steel plates drilled into the wall to avoid shrapnel and stray bullets, reporters in body armor without plates and helmets without chin straps, FEMA volunteers hitting on the potential muff making promises they can't keep and Russian warplanes flying over the city, not dropping bombs, but just being loud in order to get a 15 minute CNN opinion blog write-in about how intimidating they are.
    
     Raqqa, Syria, the host of not only the Miss Amputee Middle East pageant, but the home of the most bloodshed that ISIS can produce in a 5-10 year given time frame. The people of Raqqa not only suffered during the war, before the war and before the thought of the war, but they suffered during the war, before the war, before the thought of the war and before they were born and their grandparents thought of the war. Raqqa is a very unique place that takes its suffering very seriously. 

    Rashid Matah is a son of Raqqa. He's lost his father, mother, brother, sister, cousin, aunt, uncle and grandfather to not only the violence of the current civil war, but also to the harsh rule of President Assad*. 

    "Now that the civil war is ending, I will have more time to focus on which resistance group I will follow during the next war. This time I didn't do so well, but next time, I will make sure I trust the group who at least has the clearest water in their homes. Last time I just trusted the liquor stock pile."

    Finally, ISIS is being defeated and Syria can go back to a peace time stance. All will be solved in Syria and people will be able to prepare for their next testimony of loyalty, also known as, their potential funeral.

*Rashid’s family was actually killed in a helicopter crash during an attempted 360 degree spin through a circle of recycled school buses that had been lighten on fire before the performance. Nonetheless, Assad WAS the leader of Syria at the time and no war had been established.

Sharon Peters - Senior Correspondent

Trump Jr.'s Emails Exposed!

    President Donald Trump's term has been full of countless controversies. First, with the allegations of collusion with Russia. Second, with the firing of then FBI Director James Comey. Third, with the nude photos of him and Vice President Mike Pence vacationing together in Martha's Vineyard. And now the fourth of what may soon be many more to come, e-mails between Trump Jr. and Russian neo-political Quasi-Governor of Vladivostok, Grigory Gugaschveli.

    Pause Bread News has been able to obtain these e-mails from sources who wish to remain anonymous. Trump Jr. and Mr. Gugaschveli started conversations during the 2016 Presidential Campaign. They met on Twitter through mutual retweets commenting on the ever paling complexion of Sen. John McCain and how creepy it is that he is still alive. They both questioned whether Senator McCain's stated age was true or off by about 250 years.

    After the mutual tweet conversation, they became e-mail friends and both frequented Craigslist Yonkers, New York ads to, "Troll poor people." In one e-mail they both responded to an advertisement for a 1987 Buick Lesabre and asked the current owner if, "He'd gotten the fart smells out of the driver’s seat yet." and if he had, they'd buy it for one year of the man's salary, "$200.00 USD."

    The subject of Hillary Clinton came up just a few weeks before the election. Trump Jr. asked Mr. Gugaschveli if he'd ever met Mrs. Clinton before and Mr. Gugaschveli responded with, "I met her once, but it was brief. I actually had a meeting with President Clinton and we were on our way to a brothel in Prague. She didn't know about it, but man was she a ball buster. I don't know how Bill deals with that sore thumb." Trump Jr. then responded by asking if there was anything that Mr. Gugaschveli knew about Mrs. Clinton that he could use to help his father win the election, to which Mr. Gugaschveli responded, "Yes, Bill told me s

he's a dead fish in the sack!"

Jack Mehoffer, Berlin Correspondent

Poll Shows Americans Fear North Korean Threat

     A recent Pew Knowledge Poll suggested that 83% of American citizens are absolutely terrified over the prospect of a North Korean nuclear attack. This coming just hours after President Trump told China that something has to be done about Kim Jong Un. Washington DC is bracing for protests this weekend after the pro-war group "Every Nuke and Koreany" posted on social media that they would be providing, "3 12oz Busch Light beers, a bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos and a can of Bush's Baked Beans to every man, woman and child who showed up to the DC protests."

     President Trump commented on Twitter earlier this week on the growing concern over North Korea. Stating that, "How could the people who made Ramen Noodle be so out of touch with reality? Poor people love that crap! I don't want to turn their country into a new ISIS hot bed mixed with nuclear fallout, but I will. America First! Don't vote for Lyin' Ted!" After being informed that Ramen Noodle is actually from Japan and that the 2016 race for the US Presidency was over, Trump gave a blank stare and then walked away.

     Russian President Vladimir Putin put out a warning to the US stating that, "Any aggressive protocol against North Korea will be met in kind with more aggressive protocols until protocols are proliferated." When asked for clarification of the statement, Mr. Putin gave a blank stare and then walked away.

-Sharon Peters, Senior Correspondent

Trump Sells White House to Putin

     The G20 Summit this year has brought a lot of controversy, but nothing has brought more controversy that the real reason President Trump wanted to go.

     "I skip things all the time, especially when they are a WASTE of my time. And I say WASTE, with a capital W, even in the sentence I just stated. I know that it wasn't the first word of the sentence, but you need to understand that when I say waste, I mean it with a capital W. Even in that sentence too." Explained President Trump to our very own Doug McCockin during a break in the action this morning.

     The President went to G20 to close one of the biggest real estate deals this world has ever seen. He sold the White House to none other than Vladimir Putin. "My cousin Jed on the poor side of my family owns a better looking trailer than what they got going on at that White House... An absolute disgrace for all Americans." Trump went on to explain that he will now be living in New York City during the winter months and his Mar-a-Lago estate during the summer months. The focus during this summer will be his tan, while the focus in the winter months will be catching up on TV shows.

     When asked about the price tag the White House fetched, the President stated, "That's classified information, but know this, when I do things, I do them BIGLY. Capital B, don't make me explain again please. So, I take a pay cut sure, I said I wouldn't take a salary as President. I tell them, oh 500 thousand a year, give to starving kids or whatever, but my focus was the deal. The deal is done, I'm back in New York City soon and I have to tell you, it's a relief. Flying into DC, absolutely breathtaking and I mean breathtaking like when you see a human smashed in a car accident, not like when you see a beautiful woman."

     We later reached out to President Putin for comment on the deal, but we were told that he was not in Germany anymore. When we told his representatives that we literally just saw him walk through a private bathroom door 45 seconds ago, they responded with, "Hey, what's that over there?" After looking at what they were pointing at, they ran away and we were unable to locate them for further comment.

Jacken Jud, Junior Correspondent

ISIS Offers Free College Tuition for New Recruits

     ISIS Education Minister Abdulah Mahmud Mahammud Ali put out an official announcement on social media this afternoon which stated that any new recruit who joins the Caliphate will receive free college tuition to the Iraqi or Syrian University of their choice. The news was greeted with a mass exodus of young American men from all over the country.He went on to state that current members will not qualify for this free tuition, but will receive 7,000,000 Doge Coins for their continued duty.

     "Shoot man, between my girl breaking my balls all the time and this online university taking my Pell Grant beer money, I'm ready to get the hell out of here!" Said a local University of Thomas Edison State student. He went on to talk about the benefits of joining for free education over staying at the University of Thomas Edison State. "Those ISIS dudes, they get paid and laid, women are forced to be loyal and men get whatever they want! Unlike here, we got THE TRUMP DUMP!"

     Current ISIS Freedom Fighter Ahmad Ahmaddo Ahmaddi said that this announcement will bring division within the organization. "Our people are struggling against the infidels enough as it is. Now you tell these rednecks who brought rednecks who wanted to kill me, but instead come and bring other redneck buddy for free college? This is bull!"

     When asked about the Dogecoin stipend, Ahmad said that the cryptocurrency is still in a high state of speculation. While he accepts the gracious offer, he thinks that Allah is more in tune with the Bitcoin and any other offer besides Bitcoin would be blasphemous. Other fighters who were in attendance at the interview also suggested that if they could get just 10 Bitcoins each, they'd be more in support of Minister Ali's announcement. The Bitcoin market closed yesterday at $2401.90 USD to 1 BTC.

Doug McCockin, International Correspondent

VP Pence Talks About His "First Time"

     

    "Body, body! Wanna feel my body baby! Such a thrill, my body!" Was the tune blaring out VP Mike Pence's dorm room back in those days. Back when "drinks where cheap, but the thrills were cheaper!"

     "Those days Sharon, they are behind me. But sometimes a man does stop and ponder, what life would've been like had it been okay for a boy to learn how to be a man not only from his daddy, but also from the other boys you shared those amazing nights together with."

     The days of yesterday he calls them. Back on the open floors of Camden University. The fraternity was "Pi Beta, Bi Today" and the Head Frat Brother was none other than everybody’s other favorite VP, the Honorable Dick Cheney. Pence served as Head Bottom Boy during his first two years there, but never rose to the rank of Head Frat Brother.

    "Being the Head Bottom Boy was great honor Sharon. I can't think of any other sort of service that puts you at the front or shall we say the bottom, no pun intended, of all the action. Running a Fraternity is very similar to running a military unit. As I said before though, there really is no other sort of service I can think of that would be similar to the Bottom Boy position, besides maybe a Sergeant in the finest military on Earth."

    His first time came after the completion of his 2nd year of study. Dick Cheney was set to graduate that year and thought it fitting to host a graduation party for himself. Cheney informed all of the frat brothers that they would bring him gifts and plenty of booze and Lays brand potato chips. His last request was that he would be able to serve his final hour as leader, Pegging the Bottom Flank. This announcement came not only as a surprise to Pence, but also an honor.

    "When he said he was going to be Pegging the Bottom Flank, I felt a warmth come over my body. The next morning I woke up, he was gone. I missed the entire graduation and had to fish car keys out of a used condom in the bathroom trash can. Ha! I guess boys will be boys, eh Sharon?"

Sharon Peters, Senior Correspondent.