ISIS Education Minister Abdulah Mahmud Mahammud Ali put out
an official announcement on social media this afternoon which stated that any
new recruit who joins the Caliphate will receive free college tuition to the
Iraqi or Syrian University of their choice. The news was greeted with a mass
exodus of young American men from all over the country.
"Shoot man, between my girl breaking my balls all the
time and this online university taking my Pell Grant beer money, I'm ready to
get the hell out of here!" Said a local University of Thomas Edison State
student. He went on to talk about the benefits of joining for free education over
staying at the University of Thomas Edison State. "Those ISIS dudes, they
get paid and laid, women are forced to be loyal and men get whatever they want!
Unlike here, we got THE TRUMP DUMP!"
Current ISIS Freedom Fighter Ahmad Ahmaddo Ahmaddi said that
this announcement will bring division within the organization. "Our people
are struggling against the infidels enough as it is. Now you tell these rednecks
who brought rednecks who wanted to kill me, but instead come and bring other
redneck buddy for free college? This is bull!"
When asked about the Dogecoin stipend, Ahmad said that the
cryptocurrency is still in a high state of speculation. While he accepts the
gracious offer, he thinks that Allah is more in tune with the Bitcoin and any
other offer besides Bitcoin would be blasphemous. Other fighters who were in
attendance at the interview also suggested that if they could get just 10
Bitcoins each, they'd be more in support of Minister Ali's announcement. The Bitcoin
market closed yesterday at $2401.90 USD to 1 BTC.
Doug McCockin, International Correspondent
No comments:
Post a Comment