ISIS Offers Free College Tuition for New Recruits




     ISIS Education Minister Abdulah Mahmud Mahammud Ali put out an official announcement on social media this afternoon which stated that any new recruit who joins the Caliphate will receive free college tuition to the Iraqi or Syrian University of their choice. The news was greeted with a mass exodus of young American men from all over the country.He went on to state that current members will not qualify for this free tuition, but will receive 7,000,000 Doge Coins for their continued duty.


     "Shoot man, between my girl breaking my balls all the time and this online university taking my Pell Grant beer money, I'm ready to get the hell out of here!" Said a local University of Thomas Edison State student. He went on to talk about the benefits of joining for free education over staying at the University of Thomas Edison State. "Those ISIS dudes, they get paid and laid, women are forced to be loyal and men get whatever they want! Unlike here, we got THE TRUMP DUMP!"


     Current ISIS Freedom Fighter Ahmad Ahmaddo Ahmaddi said that this announcement will bring division within the organization. "Our people are struggling against the infidels enough as it is. Now you tell these rednecks who brought rednecks who wanted to kill me, but instead come and bring other redneck buddy for free college? This is bull!"


     When asked about the Dogecoin stipend, Ahmad said that the cryptocurrency is still in a high state of speculation. While he accepts the gracious offer, he thinks that Allah is more in tune with the Bitcoin and any other offer besides Bitcoin would be blasphemous. Other fighters who were in attendance at the interview also suggested that if they could get just 10 Bitcoins each, they'd be more in support of Minister Ali's announcement. The Bitcoin market closed yesterday at $2401.90 USD to 1 BTC.



Doug McCockin, International Correspondent

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