Trump Jr.'s Emails Exposed!

    President Donald Trump's term has been full of countless controversies. First, with the allegations of collusion with Russia. Second, with the firing of then FBI Director James Comey. Third, with the nude photos of him and Vice President Mike Pence vacationing together in Martha's Vineyard. And now the fourth of what may soon be many more to come, e-mails between Trump Jr. and Russian neo-political Quasi-Governor of Vladivostok, Grigory Gugaschveli.

    Pause Bread News has been able to obtain these e-mails from sources who wish to remain anonymous. Trump Jr. and Mr. Gugaschveli started conversations during the 2016 Presidential Campaign. They met on Twitter through mutual retweets commenting on the ever paling complexion of Sen. John McCain and how creepy it is that he is still alive. They both questioned whether Senator McCain's stated age was true or off by about 250 years.

    After the mutual tweet conversation, they became e-mail friends and both frequented Craigslist Yonkers, New York ads to, "Troll poor people." In one e-mail they both responded to an advertisement for a 1987 Buick Lesabre and asked the current owner if, "He'd gotten the fart smells out of the driver’s seat yet." and if he had, they'd buy it for one year of the man's salary, "$200.00 USD."

    The subject of Hillary Clinton came up just a few weeks before the election. Trump Jr. asked Mr. Gugaschveli if he'd ever met Mrs. Clinton before and Mr. Gugaschveli responded with, "I met her once, but it was brief. I actually had a meeting with President Clinton and we were on our way to a brothel in Prague. She didn't know about it, but man was she a ball buster. I don't know how Bill deals with that sore thumb." Trump Jr. then responded by asking if there was anything that Mr. Gugaschveli knew about Mrs. Clinton that he could use to help his father win the election, to which Mr. Gugaschveli responded, "Yes, Bill told me s

he's a dead fish in the sack!"

Jack Mehoffer, Berlin Correspondent

Poll Shows Americans Fear North Korean Threat

     A recent Pew Knowledge Poll suggested that 83% of American citizens are absolutely terrified over the prospect of a North Korean nuclear attack. This coming just hours after President Trump told China that something has to be done about Kim Jong Un. Washington DC is bracing for protests this weekend after the pro-war group "Every Nuke and Koreany" posted on social media that they would be providing, "3 12oz Busch Light beers, a bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos and a can of Bush's Baked Beans to every man, woman and child who showed up to the DC protests."

     President Trump commented on Twitter earlier this week on the growing concern over North Korea. Stating that, "How could the people who made Ramen Noodle be so out of touch with reality? Poor people love that crap! I don't want to turn their country into a new ISIS hot bed mixed with nuclear fallout, but I will. America First! Don't vote for Lyin' Ted!" After being informed that Ramen Noodle is actually from Japan and that the 2016 race for the US Presidency was over, Trump gave a blank stare and then walked away.

     Russian President Vladimir Putin put out a warning to the US stating that, "Any aggressive protocol against North Korea will be met in kind with more aggressive protocols until protocols are proliferated." When asked for clarification of the statement, Mr. Putin gave a blank stare and then walked away.

-Sharon Peters, Senior Correspondent

Trump Sells White House to Putin

     The G20 Summit this year has brought a lot of controversy, but nothing has brought more controversy that the real reason President Trump wanted to go.

     "I skip things all the time, especially when they are a WASTE of my time. And I say WASTE, with a capital W, even in the sentence I just stated. I know that it wasn't the first word of the sentence, but you need to understand that when I say waste, I mean it with a capital W. Even in that sentence too." Explained President Trump to our very own Doug McCockin during a break in the action this morning.

     The President went to G20 to close one of the biggest real estate deals this world has ever seen. He sold the White House to none other than Vladimir Putin. "My cousin Jed on the poor side of my family owns a better looking trailer than what they got going on at that White House... An absolute disgrace for all Americans." Trump went on to explain that he will now be living in New York City during the winter months and his Mar-a-Lago estate during the summer months. The focus during this summer will be his tan, while the focus in the winter months will be catching up on TV shows.

     When asked about the price tag the White House fetched, the President stated, "That's classified information, but know this, when I do things, I do them BIGLY. Capital B, don't make me explain again please. So, I take a pay cut sure, I said I wouldn't take a salary as President. I tell them, oh 500 thousand a year, give to starving kids or whatever, but my focus was the deal. The deal is done, I'm back in New York City soon and I have to tell you, it's a relief. Flying into DC, absolutely breathtaking and I mean breathtaking like when you see a human smashed in a car accident, not like when you see a beautiful woman."

     We later reached out to President Putin for comment on the deal, but we were told that he was not in Germany anymore. When we told his representatives that we literally just saw him walk through a private bathroom door 45 seconds ago, they responded with, "Hey, what's that over there?" After looking at what they were pointing at, they ran away and we were unable to locate them for further comment.

Jacken Jud, Junior Correspondent

ISIS Offers Free College Tuition for New Recruits

     ISIS Education Minister Abdulah Mahmud Mahammud Ali put out an official announcement on social media this afternoon which stated that any new recruit who joins the Caliphate will receive free college tuition to the Iraqi or Syrian University of their choice. The news was greeted with a mass exodus of young American men from all over the country.He went on to state that current members will not qualify for this free tuition, but will receive 7,000,000 Doge Coins for their continued duty.

     "Shoot man, between my girl breaking my balls all the time and this online university taking my Pell Grant beer money, I'm ready to get the hell out of here!" Said a local University of Thomas Edison State student. He went on to talk about the benefits of joining for free education over staying at the University of Thomas Edison State. "Those ISIS dudes, they get paid and laid, women are forced to be loyal and men get whatever they want! Unlike here, we got THE TRUMP DUMP!"

     Current ISIS Freedom Fighter Ahmad Ahmaddo Ahmaddi said that this announcement will bring division within the organization. "Our people are struggling against the infidels enough as it is. Now you tell these rednecks who brought rednecks who wanted to kill me, but instead come and bring other redneck buddy for free college? This is bull!"

     When asked about the Dogecoin stipend, Ahmad said that the cryptocurrency is still in a high state of speculation. While he accepts the gracious offer, he thinks that Allah is more in tune with the Bitcoin and any other offer besides Bitcoin would be blasphemous. Other fighters who were in attendance at the interview also suggested that if they could get just 10 Bitcoins each, they'd be more in support of Minister Ali's announcement. The Bitcoin market closed yesterday at $2401.90 USD to 1 BTC.

Doug McCockin, International Correspondent

VP Pence Talks About His "First Time"

     

    "Body, body! Wanna feel my body baby! Such a thrill, my body!" Was the tune blaring out VP Mike Pence's dorm room back in those days. Back when "drinks where cheap, but the thrills were cheaper!"

     "Those days Sharon, they are behind me. But sometimes a man does stop and ponder, what life would've been like had it been okay for a boy to learn how to be a man not only from his daddy, but also from the other boys you shared those amazing nights together with."

     The days of yesterday he calls them. Back on the open floors of Camden University. The fraternity was "Pi Beta, Bi Today" and the Head Frat Brother was none other than everybody’s other favorite VP, the Honorable Dick Cheney. Pence served as Head Bottom Boy during his first two years there, but never rose to the rank of Head Frat Brother.

    "Being the Head Bottom Boy was great honor Sharon. I can't think of any other sort of service that puts you at the front or shall we say the bottom, no pun intended, of all the action. Running a Fraternity is very similar to running a military unit. As I said before though, there really is no other sort of service I can think of that would be similar to the Bottom Boy position, besides maybe a Sergeant in the finest military on Earth."

    His first time came after the completion of his 2nd year of study. Dick Cheney was set to graduate that year and thought it fitting to host a graduation party for himself. Cheney informed all of the frat brothers that they would bring him gifts and plenty of booze and Lays brand potato chips. His last request was that he would be able to serve his final hour as leader, Pegging the Bottom Flank. This announcement came not only as a surprise to Pence, but also an honor.

    "When he said he was going to be Pegging the Bottom Flank, I felt a warmth come over my body. The next morning I woke up, he was gone. I missed the entire graduation and had to fish car keys out of a used condom in the bathroom trash can. Ha! I guess boys will be boys, eh Sharon?"

Sharon Peters, Senior Correspondent.