Trump Vows Retaliation if Moore Loses

    Republican Roy Moore on multiple occasions denied the accusations of child molestation to the press and public. Yet stories continue to arise. Just to update, there have been five more accusations reported since the morning of December 10th. One account of him claims he molested the family dog on multiple occasions during his weekly visits to Dairy Queen. 

    President Donald Trump was in Florida over the weekend supporting his friend Roy Moore in hopes to help boost his profile right before the voting begins. "I think when I come down to this hell hole and do things bigly, people will vote for this fucking guy. There is absolutely no proof that any of this nonsense happened. After 30 plus years all should be forgiven anyway. Ask my housekeeper." said President Trump when asked about the controversy surrounding the race.

    The President is completely against any Democrat getting this seat in the Senate. Trump stated that he believes that Democrat Doug Jones wants to, "ruin everything by giving handouts to lazy poor people", "give health insurance to people who probably deserve to just die" and "help Elon Musk get to Mars before me."

    When this journalist asked the President about what he would do if it were proven that Roy Moore did these horrible things and the result is that Doug Jones wins, Trump responded, "I know Roy didn't do this okay? What happened to innocent until proven guilty? Look, let me tell you something... If that left-wing, lily liver, basket case Doug Jones wins this thing, I'm going to hire a couple of big queer goons to molest him. Thank you."

Bum Rich After Buying Bitcoin

    It was February 2nd in the year 2013 when Alfred Aswego bought his one and only Bitcoin for $19.97. At the time of this transaction, Mr. Aswego is what the Los Angeles community would call,"a worthless, street lurking bum". Who got the last laugh though? We caught up with Mr. Aswego who has recently booked 6 months of nights at the Compton, CA Motel 6.

    "I mean hell, who knew that this thing would be worth 8,000 dollars one day. I forgot I even had it, some fuckin' nerd down at Cal Tech sold it to me and when he told me how much it fuckin' was I said, FUCK, 1997 was the year I had sex with my best friends girlfriend! It's got to be a sign! So fuck I fuckin' bought the fuckin' thing."

    Room 13 of Compton's Motel 6 smells of rotting pork, cheeseburgers, warm beer, stale tamales and underarm sweat. There are stained underwear hanging from the lampshade, what looks like a blood stain in the middle of the carpet and boxes of Churches Fried Chicken laid about like decoration. The Andy Griffith show is playing at an unbearably loud volume and Mr. Aswego is laying in his underwear picking his belly button while cleaning between his teeth with a small chicken bone. His sleep apnea keeps him up most nights, but that's nothing a little Schlitz Malt Liquor can't take care of!

    "I'm like a fuckin' free man again! I mean fuck I was fuckin' free out on Skid Row, but this is the life. I'm rich you know what I mean? Those fuckin' nerds know what they are doing with that bullshit! Hey do you know an escort service around here?"

    When asked if he'd buy Bitcoin again, Alfred Aswego mentioned that only a fool would buy fake money at the current price.

Nicolas Cage Claims He Was Sexual Assaulted

The year was 1997 and Nicolas Cage played mad man Castor Troy in the blockbuster SMASH, "Face/Off." But it wasn't all good off the set. Mr. Cage shared a dark secret with our crew during the CMAs last week.

Nicolas Cage claimed that during the final shooting of the movie while he was playing John Travolta's character, he may have sexually assaulted himself. "It was a confusing time, I was already rich as all hell, but I thought maybe I could take it a bit further. I cornered myself in the production bathroom and fingered myself."

This revelation has hit his family the hardest. His wife is threatening to press charges on him for what she calls, "A theft of my husband's innocence and cunning." 

Many actors and actresses teamed up outside of Rosco's Chicken and Waffle late last night and held a rally in support of Cage. Cage's long time best friend Fred Savage said that he also suffered a similar incident on the set of 'Wonder Years' during the early recordings. When asked why Mr. Savage doesn't report this to the authorities he stated, "I want to big names to finish their reporting first, so that I can receive more publicity."

Bannon FIRED

    On the morning of August 18th 2017, President Donald Trump walked into the Garden Room (brought you by Lowe's) and discovered that a man by the name of Steve Bannon had been living there since January 20th.

    "To say the least, I was completely shocked, to say the most, how does a man stay so fat living in a garden room?" Commented Trump after being questioned about his decision to fire the garden dwelling Bannon from his Cabinet position. Initial reports from White House leaker, Steve Bannon, was that Bannon was fired because he was thought to be so smart that he couldn't be contained. "Smarter than that Einstein guy!" quoted the leaker Steve Bannon.

    What does this mean for the future of the prominent White House Chief Strategist position? Our very own, Howie Felter caught up with White House groundskeeper Silky Madadore who had a pretty good idea what would become of it. "I think dude will go back to work for that far-right site, or just chill... he's rich anyways, know what I mean?" When ask again about the future of the prominent position of White House Chief Strategist, Silky the groundskeeper coughed up phlegm into a grass stained rag and mumbled, "I gotta stop drinkin'."

    "Like I said, I've never seen that man or hired that man!" Trump re-asserted while being further questioned. "Maybe you should go ask CNN what they think. Maybe they'll say he was my Campaign CEO and I created this position for him. To that I would say, the media runs anything these days. Fake news."

Cryptocurrency Market Seized, 1 Arrested

    It was a cool afternoon in Athens, Greece on the 26th day of July. Vladimir Vinnik was having a latte and vodka with his favorite lady of the night Veronika. He'd made his living selling fake money to people who traded fake money for real money and then used it for fake money again, sort of like if the Alice in Wonderland movie if it never ended. Suddenly, BOOM, the United States FBI breaks up the party! Veronika is pushed off of her prosthetic leg, the baristas were pistol whipped for pseudo resisting, three American tourists had their iPhones smashed for Facebook live-ing and Mr. Vinnik was not able to complete his Amazon order for new Birkenstocks. 

    If you didn't know already, Mr. Vinnik is the CEO of BTC-E.com, a shady cryptocurrency market that has operated out of London's east side for quite some time now. The official document states that he was arrested for hacking Mt. Gox back in 2014. The real reason for his arrest is quite different.

    Secret Service Agent code name, "Magic Fingers" told Pause Bread that, "We honestly were just jealous of the fact that this kid could get so rich off of fake money and I have 3 jobs including this one and I can barely make my wife's Mercedes payments. Shit, is it 11am already? I've got to go! I'm late for 2nd shift over at Dairy Queen!"

    Mr. Vinnik was carted away and put into a 1985 Astro van with neon paneling. After the FBI got a jump for the van from a local shop owner, they drove away to an unknown location. Pause Bread later caught up with the Mayor of Athens, Mr. Degahil Dakalasi, and asked him how can the USA arrest non-US citizens in a country that is obviously not the USA? He responded by slowly bending his head to the left, squinting his eyes and putting his hands up in the air and stating, "I don't know, I don't know."

    Later that afternoon, the site btc-e.com was unreachable and the US Secret Service put out a statement reading, "We have stopped the Mt. Gox hacker and have taken his site. Everyone who has fake money on this site needs to remember that it wasn't actual money. We are going to keep this as evidence for prosecution." Shortly after the statement was put out there were multiple large sell offs of cryptocurrency on random markets.

Trump dubs Medical Mortgage Plan in place of Obamacare

    There are a lot of things in this world that US citizens have to pay for, be it food, entertainment or transportation. It's common knowledge that in United States, there has been a huge debate over healthcare for the past decade at least. In recent years, then President Barrack Obama, passed the Affordable Care Act which was later called "Obamacare" in an effort to show the conservatives that the liberal Democrat still had sway over major domestic US policy.

    The stage was set! Americans polled by Pew National, a politically right leaning fair polling firm, found that 96% of the people polled thought that Obamacare was either, "Too generous to the poor and needy." or "Helped people who need to work more hours like me and Uncle Jed." Americans polled by Granite Falls Research, a far right leaning fair polling firm found that 100% of the people they polled in Russia thought that, "Obamacare does just enough to hurt the average American and that makes me happy, have a great weekend!" Albeit some translation issues in the last poll, it was quite clear what Obamacare represented to most Americans.

    Enter the Medical Mortgage Plan or MMP as it is being called on Capitol Hill. President Trump is proposing that every American born after the year of 1871 will be given the privilege to be forced to buy into a 55 year MMP plan. The cost will be automatically deducted from employer pay at 58% of total and if unemployed, will be taken from unemployment benefits 68% of total. Trump's plan is to help ease the burden of cost by lowering income taxes to 2% across the board.

    "You've got to look out for the people, so the plan is to lower taxes, make healthcare a part of your life like an investment. I invest all the time, I'm worth billions on paper. I have buildings, my name is on them. It says TRUMP really big! Let me tell you one other thing, I know what the little guy in America wants. I've been down and out before, my first car was a BMW 325i and it wasn't even a showroom floor model, I KNOW HOW AMERICANS FEEL. We have to do this BIGLY!" said President Trump when asked for comment on his new plan.

-Sharon Peters, Newly Promoted Double Senior Correspondent

ISIS Losing Foothold In Syria

    Raqqa, Syria, the scene is set. Dirt roads, shell casings littering the dirt road, business signs shot out, steel plates drilled into the wall to avoid shrapnel and stray bullets, reporters in body armor without plates and helmets without chin straps, FEMA volunteers hitting on the potential muff making promises they can't keep and Russian warplanes flying over the city, not dropping bombs, but just being loud in order to get a 15 minute CNN opinion blog write-in about how intimidating they are.
    
     Raqqa, Syria, the host of not only the Miss Amputee Middle East pageant, but the home of the most bloodshed that ISIS can produce in a 5-10 year given time frame. The people of Raqqa not only suffered during the war, before the war and before the thought of the war, but they suffered during the war, before the war, before the thought of the war and before they were born and their grandparents thought of the war. Raqqa is a very unique place that takes its suffering very seriously. 

    Rashid Matah is a son of Raqqa. He's lost his father, mother, brother, sister, cousin, aunt, uncle and grandfather to not only the violence of the current civil war, but also to the harsh rule of President Assad*. 

    "Now that the civil war is ending, I will have more time to focus on which resistance group I will follow during the next war. This time I didn't do so well, but next time, I will make sure I trust the group who at least has the clearest water in their homes. Last time I just trusted the liquor stock pile."

    Finally, ISIS is being defeated and Syria can go back to a peace time stance. All will be solved in Syria and people will be able to prepare for their next testimony of loyalty, also known as, their potential funeral.

*Rashid’s family was actually killed in a helicopter crash during an attempted 360 degree spin through a circle of recycled school buses that had been lighten on fire before the performance. Nonetheless, Assad WAS the leader of Syria at the time and no war had been established.

Sharon Peters - Senior Correspondent